New hope

New hope – or should I say a false hope … this is the first month after the failed fet, I prayed a lot to get pregnant this month. I thought God approved.

This month I had many questions asked to God, not all answered yet but I felt his peace and his presence a lot.

Unfortunately I am falling in despair again, this is my second sleepless night. Maybe because I am expecting my period in 5 days, I am having all its painful symptoms and this is getting me down.

Also I heard that one of the family girls who had a beautiful baby girl last year doesn’t want to come to our house because she fears diseases from our fur babies … well … this hurt A LOT.

Anybody passes by my blog … hopefully you Jesus … pray hard for me.

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Important Dates

19/9/1945 Father N.Kamel birth date

11/1/2003 Father N.Kamel left to Heaven

2/2/1950 Mom S. Birth date

20/7/1986 My love B. Birth date

20/11/2010 Meshmesh birth date

10/1/2011 First day Meshmesh at home

30/6/2011 Nana’s birth date

August 2011 Nana at home

17/5/2014 Engagement

25/5/2014 Engagement Party

24/1/2015 Jojo and Lily’s birth date

14/2/2015 Wedding

24/3/2015 Caesar birth date

May 2015 Caesar at home

15/6/2015 First day at Eva Pharma

19/8/2015 Miscarriage

5/1/2016 Dodo and Bondok birth date

February 2016 Mohamed Yehia first visit (fertility center)

February 2016 1st anniversary at Cecil Alexandria

13/3/2016 First day at ElMehy Engineering

March 2016 أشعة بالصبغة

April 2016 Trigger shot (chorimion)

May 2016 Trigger shot (pregnyl)

June 2016 Trigger shot (pregnyl)

August 2016 Trigger shot

September 2016 – first IUI at Queens fertility center

31/10/2016 Jojo joined the rainbow bridge

December 2016 first visit to Medhat Thabet (Maadi)

January 2017 – Tracking ovulation with Medhat Thabet

February 2017 – Got fired from ElMehy – جلسات الكهرباء

2/2/2017 Bondok joined the rainbow bridge

March 2017 – second IUI with Medhat Thabet – took many Fostemon injections

July 2017 – Third IUI with Medhat Thabet – ova reached 18 mm naturally

September 2017 – first IVF with Mohamed Yehia, 3 eggs retrieved, 1 fertilized, fresh 2 day transfer.

October 2017 – IVF Failed

February 2018 – Amr Helmy first visit

March 2018 – second IVF, 11 eggs retrieved, all poor quality, cycle cancelled

April 2018 started vitamins

8/8/2018 Third IVF with Amr Helmy, 11 eggs retrieved, 10 fertilized, 5 blastocysts and frozen

No fresh transfer because uterine lining was shrinking

September 2018 – uterine lining didn’t reach 7 mm

October 2018 – uterine lining didn’t reach 7 mm

November 2018 – uterine lining didn’t reach 7 mm

1/12/2018 FET #1, 3 blastocysts transferred

11/12/2018 Official Big Fat Negative

Infertility Journey

17/5/2014 Engagement

25/5/2014 Engagement Party

14/2/2015 Wedding

19/8/2015 Miscarriage

February 2016 Mohamed Yehia first visit (fertility center)

March 2016 Trigger shot (chorimion)

May 2016 Trigger shot (pregnyl)

June 2016 Trigger shot (pregnyl)

August 2016 Trigger shot

September 2016 – first IUI at Queens fertility center

December 2016 first visit to Medhat Thabet (Maadi)

January 2017 – Tracking ovulation with Medhat Thabet

February 2017 – Tracking ovulation with Medhat Thabet

March 2017 – second IUI with Medhat Thabet – took many Fostemon injections

July 2017 – Third IUI with Medhat Thabet – ova reached 18 mm naturally

September 2017 – first IVF with Mohamed Yehia, 3 eggs retrieved, 1 fertilized, fresh 2 day transfer.

October 2017 – IVF Failed

February 2018 – Amr Helmy first visit

March 2018 – second IVF, 11 eggs retrieved, all poor quality, cycle cancelled

April 2018 started vitamins

8/8/2018 Third IVF with Amr Helmy, 11 eggs retrieved, 10 fertilized, 5 blastocysts and frozen

No fresh transfer because uterine lining was shrinking

September 2018 – uterine lining didn’t reach 7 mm

October 2018 – uterine lining didn’t reach 7 mm

November 2018 – uterine lining didn’t reach 7 mm

1/12/2018 FET #1, 3 blastocysts transferred

11/12/2018 Official Big Fat Negative

Hope and Faith

There’s a fierce battle in my mind, my heart and soul, many questions with no answers, I will write them down hopefully God will guide me.

– After my failed FET I already know that my love B’s cousin is expecting her baby next month, she got married after me”well they all did actually” but the thing is that she suffered from infertility for 2 years, yet, God was generous with her and gave her the gift.

– My cousin and my husband “B” friend both are pregnant for the second time. Again God was so generous with both of them. My cousin got pregnant just in one month when her husband was on a vacation and before traveling again God gave them “the good news” … again … he is so kind and generous … I need my miracle too. B’s friend had a miscarriage in the beginning of her marriage … yet … God gave her 2 babies instead … God … I need my miracle too

– Should I keep praying and be positive and claim my miracle … or should I give up, accept the reality and try to make my peace with it?

– Will God listen to me? Right now I am so angry, my mom is hurt for me, my husband is hurt for me. They both care about me so much and feel sad for me. I am their source of sadness, and for this I am angry

– Am I going to be a mom ever?

– Am I ever going to have a normal life? I got married after having many battles with blind dates and meeting so many jerks. Finally I married my miracle B … my wedding day was the best day in my life, and I thought I will see the line “lived happily ever after” and didn’t know I will suffer infertility for 4 years. God please answer me, am I going to have a normal life ever.

– I want B and mom to be with people again, for the past period I couldn’t be with people.

FET #1 Summary

So … it turns out that all the tremendous symptoms I had this cycle were pure progesterone side effect. Had the blood test today (beta) and it was NEGATIVE.

Strong headache, nausea, fatigue, tiredness, sleepiness, hunger, gases (including vaginal), vivid dreams, strong twinges in the right side, light twinges in the left side, AF cramps, white cotton discharge in urine.

Alllll are from progesterone.

Manar passed away


Yesterday, 10/12/2018I got the news that my girl – Manar- passed away in the boarding. On 1/12/2018 while I was heading to the hospital for my FET I noticed that she was suffering from a weird diarrhea, that she was all wet from behind, I got her soft food to eat as she didn’t seem to be able to eat the dry food like the rest. When I got back from the hospital, she was still all wet from soft stool from behind, ate some soft food and couldn’t bear my hands trying to clean her from behind.
Beshoy will get her to the vet this afternoon as I was put on bed rest. At the vet he tried to push the cologne manually with some sort of outside stitches and he said we should try this first and if the cologne is reversed again from the rectum she should go into a harder procedure. Manar went to boarding.
On 4/12/2018 the boarding manager saw that the cologne was reversed again and was shown from the rectum, Beshoy took her to the vet and she undergone a 4 hours surgery called “Colopexy”. They gave her many pain killers. I was so optimistic that she will be fine as I trust this vet. Beshoy didn’t tell me that there’s a big risk that she won’t make in the first 10 days, he was trying to reduce my stress.

Manar is one of four kittens I rescued when they were one month old and their mother “one of my daughters as well – Amira” was gone. The four kittens are Peto, Manar, Amira Jr. Jr., and Mansya. Manar was so attached to me, whenever she sees my hand she keeps sucking my finger and for a long time. They are dear to my heart. All of my babies outside and inside are “Family”.
Love you Manar, I wish I could see you grow up “she is 5 months now” wish I could see you every time I go down and put food to you, wish to see you running at me as all of the kids downstairs. Wish you could have never felt any pain, wish that all the love I have for you could have eased the pain you didn’t deserve.

Manar … born in August 2018 and left in 10 December 2018. Daughter of Amira daughter of Ghalbana

FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) Diary

Frozen Embryo Transfer was scheduled to be on Sat. 1/12/2018 after 4 months of preparing my uterine lining which was shrinking and resisting being above 5 mm after the egg retrieval on 8/8/2018.
I was put on bed rest this cycle after transferring 3 frosties.

Transfer Day 0dp5dt: After getting back from hospital I drank the pomegranate juice that i previously prepared, ate one piece of the pineapple core with couple of its meat slices. I also had MAC French fries on our way back home as i heard before that it brings good luck in your transfer day. All this kind of crap I did, just hoping for the best and trying to have some happy moments. Slept well at night.

1dp5dt: super tired and dizzy, can’t open my eyes or even get my head up the pillow, took all these as a good sign, as if I am already pregnant and this tiredness is from pregnancy (so stupid)

2dp5dt: Started to have twinges on my right side of the uterus, squeezed the internet to know if it is a good sign to have twinges on the right side rather than the left side. Can’t read or watch the TV as I cannot open my eyes in the slightest light.

3dp5dt: Feeling tired, dizzy and sleepy even more which convinced me I am preggo, so bravely i took a home pregnancy test in the afternoon and it was … NEGATIVE … a big fat negative. Hold myself together, maybe because I took the test in the afternoon, I will take it again tomorrow morning. I thought staying in bed would be something difficult, well, actually I can’t even get out of bed even if I want to

4dp5dt: So tired that I can’t get off bed, POAS (peed on a stick) again at 10 am and again … bfn … how can it be negative with all this tiredness, sleepiness, being hungary all day. After googling all these symptoms i was sure it is just the progesterone side effect.

5dp5dt: No i didn’t take the hpt again, I thought I should be smart this time and give the HCG that magical hormone its time to show up in urine. I will take the test tomorrow as per Google most women took it on 6dp5dt and got their either bfp or bfn and whatever shows on 6dp5dt will be on the beta test. So this day I just tried to chill out, got out of bed, added some Christmas decorations. Still with headache, so nervous and irritated, insomnia at night

6dp5dt: Yep … another BFN, took the twice. Devastated, wishing to die, feeling this is it, this is the end of the world, I will never be a mom, crying my heart out, texted my Dr. and asked him if this means I am out as all women I heard and read about whatever the test said on 6dp5dt was there on their beta day whether positive or negative, he replied “wrong” …whatever … this cheered me up a little. I will never POAS again, I will keep this faint hope inside me, because i am sure if I POAS again it will be negative. Period cramps started to show up at night with strong twinges on the right side, no sore boobs still (weird)

7dp5dt: More intense period cramps, as if it will come now, white creamy cervical mucus, getting the feeling of the period all the time down there, went to the bathroom many times just to make sure.

8dp5dt: All period symptoms, I am 4 days before period official day and all its symptoms is here by book, I mean, Marianne’s period symptoms, by this time I know I am constipated, but afterwards, maybe in two days I know I will have smooth bowels. No sore boobs still … I am sure I am out …

9dp5dt: Woke up happy, period cramps are lighter now, and AF didn’t show up, When I was hit by an idea … AF will never show up as long as I am on Progynova, so I cannot take this as a good sign. Had a panic attack at night (because of Manar sad news) which made period cramps getting stronger. Now we are all (mom and husband) well prepared to the bfn. Actually they are, me still have this fainting hope, but it is there. I also had a dream last night that my beta came out to be bfp, and that gave me the strength and brightness to complete the day, before getting the news that one of my sick girls (a stray kitten but she’s like a daughter) passed away due to colopexy

10dp5dt: Feeling so down and desperate, I will go tonight to test and will get the results by tomorrow, took my injections and yeah I will miss those painful injections, I have a strong feeling I am not pregnant and this beautiful dream is over. I took a nap though and had a brief dream about the BFP. Today’s symptoms are minimal AF cramps.